š Hi friend ~ Welcome to Unfold, a project exploring what it means to be an embodied and empowered human. My name is Ocean Kiani and I use this newsletter to muse on play, movement, relating, creativity, and reality. Thank you for being here š
The past few months have seen quite a significant shift in my life.Ā
Well, thatās probably a little narrow. The past few years have been centred around shifts. In the past three years, Iāve lived in 17 different houses, across 3 different countries. On top of that, Iāve visited an extra 8 countries and USA states. You could say that changes have been the main constant in my life recently.Ā
All the while, Iāve studied (and completed) a degree, run my own business freelancing as an operations manager and/or project manager for creative agencies and solopreneurs, completed teacher training for a somatic-movement modality, got married, worked for a fast-growing healthcare startup, performed a debut theatre production, and most recently, designing and launching an online course. All of these happening mostly in tandem with one another. All without a secure ābaseā to call home.Ā
All the while, Iāve not stopped to consider what is motivating or driving these actions. Iāve simply gone with the flow, doing, planning, adjusting, enjoying and being. Iāve taken these activities for granted, a given ā itās just been whatās āhappeningā in my life and Iāve felt this passive feeling that Iām going along with it. There was a disconnect between how I felt I was showing up in the world and how I was actually showing up in the world. Truthfully, I was choosing the action I was taking, but without an awareness of the intention behind why I was taking them. I likely could have told you why I was taking them, and that answer likely would have felt truthful. But in reality, Iāve been operating mostly from consciousness on the level of the material āĀ what appears in front of me, what pays me money, what feels like the right thing ā and less from my intuition and a deeper sense of alignment with myself, my needs and desires.Ā
But earlier this year, things shifted for me. After a deeply painful miscarriage, a firm voice within me called out for stillness. It asserted that I needed to create a container to grieve this loss with presence and consciousness.Ā
For the first time in years, I firmly stopped and said āthis is what I needā.Ā
It was painful to take the reins in this way, and the voice sharing its fear of having my needs rejected was as strong and resolute as the voice sharing that it needed stillness, perhaps even stronger, perhaps less resolute.Ā
In the end, my needs were met and we settled into our new space designed around what I needed.Ā
Looking back, this assertion contributed to a deeper set of transformations that are difficult to pinpoint, articulate or even assign to this one factor. Of course, there are multiple factors that shape everything in our lives. But this moment feels especially transformational to my relationship with intention and agency.Ā
The intention of the space was created by me.
Amidst all the moving and changes that shaped the past few years, I often felt like a passenger, simply following along for the ride. Often my husband and I would sit down together to talk about our plans, aims and next steps, but truthfully, I felt comfortable in my identity of āI donāt have any strong preferences, I can find happiness anywhereā and often ended up following his work commitments or convictions on where would be a good place to be next. I thought I was happy to go with the wind. But there was always a tension, always a feeling that I didnāt have agency or choice. I would resent the spaces we inhabited and the options available to us. āI didnāt choose thisā. Not from lack of being given it, but from lack of taking it.Ā
After the miscarriage, I stepped into my sense of agency. By taking ownership of this larger life decision, I started to interact with the world differently. My body and nervous system settled and my awareness began to expand both inward and outward. Inwardly, I was feeling a deeper connection with myself, what made me curious and what made me feel good. Outwardly, I started to seek out experiences and connections with the people and places around me that resonated, to say no to things that didnāt align with me, to explore myself in relation to the world and open myself to possibilities. I started to let go of maladaptive and avoidant behaviours and relating patterns that kept me feeling safe, but also perpetuated a lack of connection, trust and fulfilment in relationships with others and my environment (avoiding time with others, wandering aimlessly, buying unnecessarily expensive chocolate or coffee).Ā
Recently, I started to write. I started to take ownership of what I wanted to do for work, rather than simply following what Iāve always been told Iām good at. I started to seek out connections with people who are interested in similar things to me, with a strong intentionality for connection and relationships. Iāve started going down rabbit holes on the internet and allowing my curiosity to unfold.Ā
Fundamentally, I started allowing myself to be seen. Both by other people and crucially, by myself.Ā
Operating from a place of intentionality and having that validated by the world has helped me step into myself and whatās possible for me.Ā
And nowā¦ weāre planning our next adventure. Instead of passively and resentfully āfollowingā along, Iām actively contributing what it is that I want and need to our decision-making processes. Happily, the voice sharing its fear of having my needs met hasnāt even reared its head.Ā
Whatās the intention of this space?
All this had me thinking about the intention of writing these posts. I started off writing because something deep within me called me to write. Itās been there for several years, laying dormant, waiting for me to pick it up and say hey.Ā
As time has gone on, Iāve noticed my intentionĀ becoming richer in description. Now, the intention of writing is to act as a forcing function for thinking, reflecting and articulating my thoughts. Itās also connected to my desire to connect with people and share more nuanced and deeper parts of my thinking that arenāt always immediately available to me during conversations ā or could even act as a prompt for starting a conversation.Ā
Iād also like to create a place where people can stay up to date with what Iām working on, as historically Iāve worked in somewhat of a silo, not expanding myself outwards to share what Iām up to and whatās currently exciting me. By doing that here, my aim is to begin and deepen connections, as well as potentially inspire others.Ā
Share your thoughts, how do you feel about advocating for your needs? Is there a time where you put your needs forward and they were met? What gets in the way of you advocating for your needs?
š Questions that are alive for me right now
What do adults do for play, and what gets in the way of it?Ā
Can anyone adopt a beginnerās mindset, or do only certain personality traits correlate with it?
Where are my people gathering? Are they in a physical location, or are they online?Ā
What happens when ātensionā is released from the muscle/body/fascia, neurochemically?Ā
How can I make sure my work, creativity and energy outputs align with the seasons of my cycle?
š¤øāāļø An experiment Iām playing with this week
Spending 1-hour writing every morning (on top of the 15-30 mins of the free-flow morning pages that I do)
š Just for fun
During Ezra Kleinās interview with Rick Rubin (if youāre interested in creativity, philosophy, awareness, and attention, then you would enjoy this episode), Rick mentioned a website he likes called Radiooooo. You basically click on any country, choose a period (e.g. 1940ās) and it plays you songs that were playing on the radio during that time in that country. Itās been fun to listen to music that I would never listen to, or even know how to find (probably good for the olā neuroplasticity too). They have a free account which unlocks some of the features like skipping songs.
I love this, thanks for sharing your thoughts on intentionality and your shift in taking agency over your life :) it resonates deeply, what these shifts can do.
Looking forward to see where your writing takes you to! And those questions you've brought up are so interesting. Inspires me to write down what mine are too.